Fuck, I don't feel good. Stinky...my stomach hurts. I know why. I hate being a fucking girl. How disgusting.
Yesterday we (Kori, Nick and I) went to a Beavers (baseball) game. It was...interesting. I was watching the people around me more then the game though. Not that the game wasn't interesting, because I was watching and paying attention to it. I don't know all the rules and strageties though. I just wish I had the whole night to do over again though. I think those damn bangy things got me in a bad mood, or something. I don't know. All I know is that I was being dumb and not good company. I have super sensitive eyes, so anytime any type of loud noise goes on I have to blink. Well Nick brought those bangy stick blow up things you get at basketball games, and him and Kori were banging them, ya know? Getting into the game, and it was okay. I mean, I don't like to ruin anyone's fun by telling them to stop. I mean, god, I think I should be able to handle it, ya know? It wasn't giving me a headache or anything, it was just a little irriatating to be blinking all the fucking time. And I'm not complaining, I mean it was fine. But, it put me in a bad mood...man, I am so sumb sometimes. I mean really do I have to go through this all the time? Shit.
My room is like an oven during the day, and still during the night. I am going to try a little something today. In my mom's old room she out a dark sheet over the window. Mainly because she works at night and doesnt like to sleep with bright lights. Well, it was always cold in her room...so I am going to try to put a dark something over my window. I have white blinds. Maybe it being a little dark in here will cool this joint up a little. And even a little will help.
Last night I laid down on my stomach, and my bed was shaking a little. I have never noticed it before, so ya know, really stupid me, thought we were having a little mini Earthquake. Hahaha. Really, am I that stupid? Tomorrow is going to stink real bad. I have that test...I'm going to do really bad. And I find out what my scores are right afterwords...so I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a shitty ass day.
YIKES!
They opened that new Krispy Kreme up...yumm. I dont like the plain glazed kind, I mean I'll eat them, but...yumm. The creme-filled kind are so delicious, and sweet. I think that was one of the best things about going to Ohio last summer. Yumm...that and lightening bugs. If they didn't have lightening bugs there, I think it wouldn't have been as cool. Hahaha. I must be hungry.
Right now I dont feel like making an effort to do anything. That's just because I'm tired right now...all I want to do is lay down. I won't be able to go back to sleep for awhile though. I must have slept well because I'm not as tired as I normally am. Or I'm just setting myself up for when school starts. Back to my few hours of sleep every night. Yeah, I'm definetly not going down the no sleep road again. Huge mistake.
I think I am going to make my journal friends only. I don't like certain people reading this...it bothers me. If I wanted them to know about my life then I would tell them. It doesn't bother me that much...but I dont like people to know certain things. And you maybe you would tell me not to say those certain things on this, but I should be able to say anything freely. And I dont care about my friends, and my mom knowing. But...shoot, there are just like one or two people I just dont want them to know anything. Never mind.
I am starting to get dizzy again...I need to go back to sleep now. Sleep heals everything. Hahaha, except for a stomach ache, which I have. If I go to sleep it'll be worse when I wake up. I think I should eat something...hahaha. Maybe I will have a small bowl of cereal. Yum, that sounds very good. Nice and cooling, and yummmmmy! I hope Don isn't up. And I hope he moves out, regardless. I shouldnt worry about my moms finicial situations so much...really I shouldn't. If I won a million dollars I would give it mostly to her. She wants so many things she can't have and I wish I could give them to her because she deserves everything good and everything that she wants. It's amazing how much of a difference she makes. Ohhh....SchMOM, I love you! Hahaha.
I've got love in my life.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. Not like I've tried super hard to go to sleep... you know actually laid down and closed my eyes, but I go to lay down and I feel completely bored, and hungry. What is my problem? I'm hungry all the fucking time! I'm thinking of eating some more chips...they were so delicious...but I'm afriad I'll be up all night. URGH!
I'm watching Cruel Intentions. My, oh, my have people grown up since this movie!
I have to think hard about something...if this certain thing will be a good idea. I'm not sure what to think about it, right now atleast. First, I think about how great and wonderful it would be. Because it would be really cool and really fun. I mean...how exciting, and entertaining!!! I'm not sick yet...so I'm assuming I won't be for awhile (I know it's terrible to assume!). And you know what's weird? Normally, I get sick real fast. But hmm...I don't believe what THIS is is normal...I mean for me. Anyways, then I start to think about the flip side of things. Oh, I don't know. I think I only like the idea if what I assume is right...
I want to go to the park, in love, and be among the butterflies, clear skies, and scents of flowers. With the wind softly blowing, hearing the trees whisper among themselves.
I should write more...I have inspiration now. Hehehe.
Right.
Sometimes I wish I was beautiful, that the world desired me. But, I would get way full of myself. I mean way more than I already am. Shoot, if people really knew what I thought, what I felt, god damn I would be in trouble. Good and bad trouble. :) Sometimes I feel....inadequate? I'm not sure if that's the word I should be using. I feel like I don't deserve, like I don't add up. Like I'm not good enough or something. But...with some words spoken, it seems as if I'm perfect, like nothing could be better. A few words and holy jesus I'm just gone, and lost. Not sure where I belong, but exactly sure at that moment. At that moment, I belong there and nowhere else...it feels good to know.
When I was sad one day, Kori's ex-boyfriend cheered me up by giving me a compliment. He told me that I had stars in my eyes. I don't know why that made me feel so good, or why I had never forgotten that, and never will. Sometimes I feel as if that is true. Like my feelings are being obviously expressed with my actions. And, true, sometimes they are, and I feel foolish. I suppose THIS makes you foolish though. Oh yes, siree Bob.
"Things have changed...Yes they have."
Sometimes I regret some of the things I have done...but I think of the results and I'm happy. Right now I am happy. Even bored out of my mind, I'm still very content and very happy. I wish I had a blanket of love...where's my bshankie?
Maybe it's too fucking hot in my room and that's why I can't seem to wait to sleep. I like to sleep bundled in blankets.
I hope it's true and lasting. I only believe for one pure fact, and that is not a good thing. It's kinda sad when something bad has to happen to fucking bring people together, or make you fucking realize what is plain in your face. Not that I didn't see it, because I did, but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want it to happen. And I was thinking, maybe it would change everything, and it did, but I was thinking it would change for the worse...and this, my friends, is why we DO NOT assume things. We always tend to assume the wrong thing. Yes, yes, especially little ol' me.
August is friday. YIKES PEOPLE!


'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

The Verve

It's 3AM...

Very very interesting...
I'm so tired.
AND I can't fucking think right now. The computer is in Kori's room and Chris came here. How dumb that's what I think.
Nick left. I hope he gets some sleep. I believe he does not sleep good at my house. Anyways, when he left he seemed a little angry. Hmm...could it be me? Could it be Kori? Could it be the fact that Chris came over? Oh well...I shouldn't worry too much. AND I haven't! Yah for Kari, but you know what...I don't know. I just feel different right now.
Hahaha, today someone was saying that true love is when you aren't attracted to the person at first, but then they get more and more attractive each day. Nick was saying "yeah that's how it was with you and me, huh?" And I said "yeah" Yeah, it is true. I mean there was attraction, but not like there is now...whew baby.
Man, I am stupid every fucking entry is about Nick now. Well, I am assuming that's okay, because really he's partically my life right now.
My ASSET test for Clark in on Thurs. Yeah, I am entirely sure I should have taken it a million years ago, that's okay. I don't think I am going to study...well the reading and writing part I KNOW I don't need to study. But math...should I take easy math?! YES! AM I STUPID! Wait a second...
god damn stupid ass mother fucker, who thinks he knows everything! UUURGH!
Anyways, so I WAS thinking, why should I take the harder, more difficult math class, when (#1) I fucking hate math with a huge passion and (#2) Nicole said I only need to take the one math class (however many credits it will be). But...she is doing a different degree, whatever I choose, than her. I mean...never mind. I guess it's just my stupid thinking once again.
This is why I could never like or date Chris. He brings me down....fucking look at me. Stupid fucking asshole.
Whatever...I ain't gonna let you bring me down. No siree Bob...look at me. I am better than you Foo! Hahahha.
Man I need to eat some chips....yummm.
I think I shall take the computer into MY room. Shooot, Nick left. What ever am I going to do? Hahahaha....fucking play around on the computer. Heheehhe.....maybe build some SIMS Houses....yes yes my friend. My favorite part of the game. Hmm...time to download the game. :) happiness.

Sometimes it feels like nothing could get better than this. But then it does. You know, sometimes the world is just a happy place...and sometimes it's so unbearable that I want to curl up and die. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my life, I have no inspiration, no motivation. I feel like I will pick a job/career and end up getting bored with my life. And be a drabby person with no happiness. I'll just be drained. But then other days I feel like I will find excitement in whatever I chose to do. I believe that you just have to find it yourself. You know I spend my days worrying about stupid things, and I realize that worrying gets me nowhere. It really doesn't, just occupies my brain to not think about something else, not think about things that NEED to be worried about, or thought about. There's nothing worse then your heart getting broken. That was off the topic of what I was saying. I need to learn to find joy in what I do. I need to learn to find joy and happiness at my house WITH Colby here. I hope my grandpa is alright. I got a call today saying he was in the hospital....I'm not making any sense, but I don't care. I worry about petty things. I remember the other night, I was seriously worrying about something that needed to be worried about, that needed to be made a big deal. Hahaha, and here was this person sitting next to me, angry/sad/worried about their girlfriendish finding out that they love them.
Nick smells SUPER SUPER SUPER good. MMMmmMmMmM...break me off a piece of that!!! Hahaha. I make myself laugh.
Anyways, you know, I hope life just doesnt pass me by, and here I am on my deathbed. I hope I die old. I want to experience a lot of things before I die...umm, if I ever get the fuckin guts to do what I want to do.
Well I need to fix my bed, I have nothing to mumbo jumbo about any longer...I didn't really say anything anyways. Sheesh...maybe for once I could make sense. =)

SOME PEOPLE DRIVE ME UP THE WALL!

I'm bored......
fill out my little survey ma-bob! Twill be fun...
What do you really think of me?

MmMmmm...I forgot what I was going to say...

I am so tired...but I don't feel like going to sleep quite yet.
So, Kori slept in my bed, with Nick and I, for God knows what reason. Hahaha....we had a heat packed bed up in this joint last night. Hahaha...no, no, no, that was just Nick alone. Holy Gucamole!
I think I'm dating the best guy in the world people! You should be jealous. Hahaha. Well, see, I have issues with Kori and Nick sleeping next to each other. Not that I think they'd do anything or whatnot...but you can't control what you do in your sleep. So, with my luck (which is fucking horrible as all get out) I'd wake up to find Nick's arm around Kori. You know something little and stupid and innocent like that...and, sure I'd understand, but I just don't want that to happen. So, last night, we're all in my bed. And somehow Nick and I switch places so he's in the middle. "Well...hmm...whatever" is what I'm thinking. I couldn't go to sleep for the life of me. So I got up and wrote a little note to Nick and put it in his car. Muwahahaha! How wonderful! Anyways, I was gone for awhile I guess....And I come back (whew no arms on another person!), and Nick moves ME in the middle. (They both know about my issues). I thought it was very nice. Hahaha....and then it's funny. He started to mumble in his sleep and he was shushing me...
"shhh...shhh...shhhh...shhh (by the way, I'm not talking or making any noise or anything!)...shhh...your sister is asleep" or some mumble-jumble like that. Hahaha....so I get comfortable, and I'm facing Kori. Well...hahaha, I look at her. And it's not, ya know all that funny until I look at her hair. Hahahahha. How do I describe it....she had an Elvis, wild, up-in-the-air hairdo going on...I was like "what the?...HAHAHAHAHA!!!". I had to contain my laughter however, as not to disturb them. Hahaha, but it was really funny.
Our dumb school was in the newspaper. Shooot people just keep the god damn schedule how it is right now, and everyone will be happy. Sheesh! It's, by far, enough credits to graduate with the stupid state. Shoot, I graduated with like 4 extra credits and Kori graduated with like 7 or 8! Flippin A!
Anyways...I havent seen my baby Goose since the other day. NNOOOOOO! I dont know where my little one is...it's making me sad.
Hahaaha...ya know sometimes its fully evident that I dont think before I talk. I just blurt things right out. Hahaha...it's so funny though. Makes me laugh. Makes me laugh like someone is tickling me to death. Hahaha.....wouldnt that be a way to die? Hahaha...that's surely the way I would want to go. Laughing my ass off...it'd be the dumbest way to die in history, but hahaha, it would go perfect for me. Kari Hatton, the girl who died of the dumbest way in history: by getting tickled. Hahaha...
yeah, anyways....YIKES! DO YOU PEOPLE SEE WHAT TIME IT IS?!! Fucking 7 am!
Weird, the other night, I had a very weird dream. I was doing something in a classroom, and I guess there needed to be a security guard so Nick did it. And he was in his uniform that he wears to work. And I remember thinking in my dream how HOT HOT HOT he looked. MmMmMm...MMmMmMmM! Yeah, and then I woke up. I guess that's not so weird, as much as how true and realistic that is. I mean, it could very well happen. The whole hotness in the uniform though...very very true. =) Hehehe
So...today...Kori needs to go shopping for a white shirt. I should leave my money at home so I wont spend it. Shoot people, is there a way around not spending money? In like the past month I've spent like $700 dollars! I know I spend $100 on clothes...and like $150 to pay back Kori...$70 on my watch...but where did the other $350ish go? Sheeesh ka-bobs! I wish I had more money....yeah I should go get a job. I believe that my reasonings for not is good. This is my last summer to ever be like free, without any worries, ya know?...Yeah, I'm pretty lame.
My step-mom and dad are worried that I should go register at Clark right now. URGH. I looked online and new student registration isnt for another week or something...I can wait. They're all worried about tuition too. And I think they are paying for my books too. Lucky me. Yeah...I am pretty lucky I guess. I mean like Melissa has to pay for it all by herself, so she has to wait.
OoOh......tiredness. It's so cold outside! Yikes! I went to the bathroom this morning (remember we had a heat pack in my bed) and the hall and whatnot was freeeeezing! I like ran back to bed.....OOoOh, so warm! But Nick had stolen my blanket (I was using bshankie) and he was hugging it. It was really cute, but freak, I was cold! And he was all burritod-up with his blanket. Oh man though...dude he is such a heater. I just curled up right next to him and was warm. MmmMm....too bad he has to work. Hahaha. That is why I like the weekends because he can just sleep in my bed forever, and doesnt have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn (5:30ish). It's been awhile since we slept in my bed on a weekend....weekend before we went camping, then last weekend we stayed at Laurens, or he sleeps at his house. The poor guy though, I love sleeping with him to death, but I feel bad. He wakes up like a 5000 times during the night. I'm sure it's because Kori was sleeping in my bed last night too...but shoot...I still feel bad. And then he's so tired he just sleeps in until 6:30, when he has to be at work at 7! I'm a bad influence...and it's not good he sleeps in that late either. See, I have a fear of him showing up to work extremely late, and then him never staying the night again. So when the alarm goes off, or I wake up like 10 minutes before it goes off, I stay awake until he leaves, just to make sure the time doesnt go out of hand. I did fall back asleep today though, but luckily I woke up before 6. And I fell asleep the other day when Nick stayed until 6:45ish. Hahha, I remember that day too. Usually he leaves around 5:30 or something. But that morning he left really close to 7, and I was sitting there, half awake, thinking that it was just my mind/eyes playing a trick on me. That it wasn't super close to 7...but no...it was. Hahaha.
I need to go back to sleep or I'll be cranky or something. Have a good day my friends!

My last entry was purely KORI....not moi.
Jeez Louis!

like the picture..ugh



heheh...do you like that? hah

It is way too fucking hot in my room...I am going to die of heat! I'm burning up......

It's 11 am and I'm awake....wouldn't Nick be proud of me now! OoOoH
I woke up in a good mood too. Hahaha...no, no, no, maybe I am just excited. No there is nothing to be excited about for me...I'm just happy.... happy!!! I woke up in a happy mood. Good mood and happy mood is different.
I have to do laundry today, and that fuckin sucks. Laundry is so easy, but I hate doing it. HAHAHAHA, it's because I am so weak, and tired, that I just hate putting the clothes from my hamper to the machine, and then from the other machine to the next and taking them out. If someone did that for me, then I would be fine. hahaaha. I have a huge load to do...like all the clothes I own. Man, I really just don't feel like doing it...makes me want to cry.
I had a very weird dream. For like the past year all my dreams have been rather scary, but lately they haven't been. They've just been a little weird, but normal. They could possibly happen. Dude, in my dream, I fucking yelled at this fat woman. Hahah, because she got in front of me in a line. Hahaha. Yikes, I hope I was yelling in my sleep. I don't think I did, or do, but...hahaha wouldn't it be funny if I did?
I don't want to start school. I'm scared of something...I just don't know what it is. Getting my life started? Yeah, because then that means I really have to grow up, and really get a job and start being responsible. I can still be a kid though...childhood is the best thing in life.
I am getting pictures taken on friday. Its going to be my mom, Kori, Colby, myself and Brian. My mom asked yesterday if Nick and I wanted to get pictures taken. It made me laugh...I get to wear my halter top...I am so excited.
Anyways, I just woke up and had an urge to update.

How are my friends?!?
Most wonderful I sure do hope!
I miss you!
I love you!
We shall get together...before people start to move ::::sniffles::::



We went to the beach the other day. We went to the cheeeeeese factory (GROMMIT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THE CHEESE!!!) Nick took us to the Coast Guard base there...it was very interesting. I enjoyed it. Then, we went to the actual beach. we fuckin went in the cold water. I mean I was soaked. It was FREEEEEEEZING! And the car was like 5000 miles away, and there was no sun anymore, so we walked, freeeeezing our asses off, back to the car. Then we decided to walk to the end of the jetty. I made it...and I was cruising on that stupid jetty for awhile. I was happy. But then...I don't know what happened. I think I just wanted to be alone, or just with Nick or something...I started to be like a slug. Man, plus the god damn waves were getting bigger and bigger, so the rocks were wet now. And I just had flip-flops on. Hahaha, I was talking to myself. Really, I hardly ever do that. But Kori and Nick were a mile ahead of me, and I needed to talk to someone, so who else am I going to talk? Hahaha...
(...you know I had a point to telling about our adventures at the beach, but I can't remember now....so now this is me rambling. That's okay.)
We went to seaside, and went to the candy store. I fucking hate that candyman song. I won a candystick though....hey what happened to it? :( Oh sadness, it was probably thrown away. Then we walked around. I really didn't feel good. Shoot....ruined a good time. Hahaha, I just sat down on the curb and was talking to people. Like this stupid mexican was holding his like 5 year old kid, and they had a stroller for it. I was telling them that should have the kid walk, and really shouldnt have the damn stroller. That stupid kid is going to grow up and be selfish. Kids who were babied waaaaaay too much grow up to be selfish, or act selfish. I mean there is a certain extent you can go to. I mean, if you get sick or something, go ahead and get babied. But fuck, when you are 5 years old, you know how to fucking walk, you dont need a stroller, and you dont need to be carried around! urgh! Some people just bother me. I dont even have to know them and they bother me.
hmm....time to go start laundry....

There are no words for what I feel...
for what I want to say.
I wish I could, but I can't.
I want a hug, and "It's okay".
I want someone to be there,
just for me.
I want to be selfish.
I want to scream, and let it all out.
I want someone to be here, next to me.
I want a shoulder to cry on, it's be so long...so long since someone I cared about lended me a shoulder.
I feel bad, but why should I? I mean, it's not like I did anything wrong or anything. Plus, I don't think I could have handled the situation by myself. I think going outside and telling them was an excellent choice on my behalf. But...I'm afraid of what they think. I am afraid, that if other people will know, it'll be the same god damn SHIT I had to deal with when I was with Brady.
I really shouldn't worry half as much as I do. I feel like if I don't worry, then I don't care about people.
Life is so fucked up...what you live, get hurt a million times in your life, then just die? Dude, what is the fucking point? I'm not going to go off and kill myself, so don't worry (like you were! Hahaha). I'm just wondering, does this pain ever pay off? What the fuck do you do? What can I do? There's nothing to take it away...nothing to erase these memories I have now.
Really though...here's is my train of thoughts: I was mad. I had to either beat the living shit out of someone or I could just throw something. I threw something and, oops I hit someone too. (I FULLY APOLOGIZE!!!) And then the whole pain issue comes into play. I sat there, on the curb, looking up at the stars. I just wanted to fly up into the stars. I wanted to escape among them...here the songs of the world and be numb. I soaked in the sky. I wanted to be hugged endlessly...no one hugged me though. I mean, I got a hug like maybe twice or something. I must have stunk or something. Hahaha. Then I had to think. All I could ask, at first, is "what am i going to do?"...what was I going to do? I thought about my entire life. I mean the important things I have learned in life. The Golden Rule came to my mind. And I try to fully live by it. TREAT OTHERS THEY WAY YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. I know I can be a bitch, and I apologize. I know I am not the best person in the world. But, fuck, after what happened, I thought I was the best god damn person in the world. If I could forgive that, fuck I can do anything now! Ever since I started dating Nick, I have really lived by this rule. I treat Nick the way I would want to be treated...with the exception of a few things. Like me not really telling him how I feel. Well these past two days, I just want to scream it at him, make him fucking realize, but he says he doesn't want to hear it. So, I gotta respect what the man says. Kori told me I should just tell him, too fucking bad if he wants to hear it or not. But, after tonight, I don't think I want to tell Nick until he wants to hear it. I'm thinking that if I tell him when he doesn't want to hear it, he WON'T hear it. I mean, he won't take it to heart. So, I'll be patient and wait.
Oh, I feel bad. I mean whatever was said tonight to him, is none of my concern, and surely not my fault. But, I still feel bad. I don't like him being upset, or feeling pain. I don't want him to be hurt. I wish I knew how to make him feel better, or at least comfort him. I wish he wanted me to comfort him...he just, I think, wanted to be alone.
It's good for people to be alone. Not me, however, I start getting these icky thoughts in my head. I was doing that earlier, sitting here thinking about shit. Trying to figure out all my thoughts, sort through the good and the bad. I was laying here, with a pillow over my head. I didn't hear Nick come in, he thought I was sleeping. I wasn't though...a girl can't lay down and think? Hahaha...I don't like to be alone...it scares me. I'm afraid that if I get thinking, then I start getting a little angry, and I'm afraid of what I'll do...to myself or like the wall or something.
Anyways, I don't know what was bothering Nick tonight...I wanted to hug him and make him feel better. I was surprised that he hugged me when I left. I wasn't expecting it. I was just expecting the sad goodbye. I didn't want to let go of that hug. For me, it was a nice hug. I felt like I was doing something. I mean, like making him feel a little better. Really, I don't think I help at all. But...the good side of my brain can think I do.
My dad is paying for College. I am so relieved to know that.
Sometimes I ache.
I am really tired...I should go to sleep, it's 3am. Yikes...
Nick has his oral board tomorrow (technically today). I am way excited for him. He'll do fine, I think. And, if not, then it's not meant to be, right now, anyways. It'll happen another time. If you follow your dreams hard enough, I believe the will come true. Hahaha.....oOoOooH, me and my lame ass inspirational words.
I feel like a good person. I feel like I deserve something good. God, and really it's selfish of me to say or think that. Because, It's not like I did something super wonderful...but for me I did. I had to work hard, inside, to get to this point. Plus it's just something fucking little in the whole skeem of things. And I do believe that...love sucks, but I think it makes you do crazy things...and I'll do anything for it. I wish I could fucking joke about it...I'm not sure the other people involved would like that. They would probably think I was serious or angry or something. I'm not mad, just so very very very very hurt. So hurt, I fuckin ache inside. But whatever...there's only two things that hurt me...I feel mean if I say them though.
Anyways, everyone's favorite character off Harry Potter is Ron. Fuck Harry, we should just focus on Ron. HAHAHA. I LOVE his facial expressions!
Man, I wish Nick was here. I've gotten so use to sleeping with him. It's weird now. I should fucking get use to NOT sleeping with him though....DUDE! But my mom said he could move in! Hahaha...funniness. It's just weird. The nights I want him to be here, something always happens, and he goes home. Oh well. That always happens. I want things to go one way, and they go completely completely the opposite way.
I need to take my pill....Yuck, that did not feel good.
I feel scared.
I wish I could just taken him in my arms and never fucking let go...I wanted to cuddle with him earlier today, but fuck, it's way to fucking hot to get super close to someone. Hahaha.
It's good to daydream.
I want to rearrange my room...but it wouldn't work. The place I want to put my TV would get a glare from the window, and I can't stand that. So, I think I'll just keep it the way I have. With my little lamp next to my bed it's no so bad...it just looks bad. Oh well.
I'm so fucking hungry, but when I sit down to eat, I take a few bites and I lose my apetite. I don't know what's wrong with me. Then like an hour after I eat, I'm starving again.
My pills gave me a headache...stupid side-effects.
I want prom to happen again...well, just another reason to wear my dress. Hahaha. I suppose to could just put it on. But I want to dress up again.
Hmm...I'm thinking about a little comment made earlier today. Yikes...is there seriousness in everything said? If so, I am like the happiest person on earth. If not, I can still daydream.
Well I'm just babbling.
So long my friends! Until Next time!

I sit here, in my room (moved the laptop in my room). I need to think and I just need to spill my guts out right now. It would make me feel better getting all of this out.
Okay, first I want to say that I love Nick, and I have an urge to tell everyone that. So there it is...Kari Loves Nick. And I know it's love because I have never felt like this before...never loved something annoying about someone. How weird? I saw Dylan today and I just wanted to poke him and say to him "yep, :::pointing to Nick::: I love him". But, I'd feel foolish. God damn me! I just need to get over myself and be out there, be myself! Okay, so, this is my promise to myself....TO BE MYSELF. To be wild, crazy, foolish, stupid, WHATEVER! And I have to remember. No more of this bullshit moods I have been in lately...god damn birth control! Ever since I stopped taking it, I have been like this. Never fear, my friends! I start again on Sunday (THANK THE HOLY LORDS!).
Second thing, I am happy. Recently, however, I havent been acting happy. That is because I have been thinking a lot lately...more thinking then needed. I'd make a good airhead, because I love NOT to think. Hahaha. Anyways, so I've been thinking a lot lately, about Nick, myself, and the rest of my life. Haha...well that sounds bad. I meant like college and stuff, like what I want to make my career. I have no ideas. Medical fields really interest me, but I don't have the brains to do it, and the stress levels, and blood...yikes. Well, blood doesn't bother me, but guts do. If I see guts, brains, insides....ICKY! Okay, back to what I was saying. I feel like I need to know what I want to do right now. I'm sure it would make everyone, especially my mom, happier. Another thing I'm scared of is...who is paying for me to go to college? My mom stopped child support, for god knows what reason, and I just don't know, no one has told me or whatnot, and I always forget to ask. I have $440 dollars in my bank account. I want to spend it. It's not like I'm a materialistic person, because I'm not at all...but watching movies, and going to parks and whatnot gets boring...not to say it is boring, because it's not. But I think Nick would enjoy something else too...like...going to see that pirate movie or doing something else, ya know? Anyways, but I dont know if I have to spend that money on college books or whatnot...you know, supplies. I sure hope not! I've spent over half my money already. And, it makes me happy. It's weird, I want to spoil Nick until the ends of the Earth. He's all I can think about right now...not a very good thing...I'm so tired, and it's only midnight! Sheesh. It doesnt bother me to spend my money on him. I hate to spend it on myself though. I mean I like to spend it on dinner, going out, whatever. I bought myself a new watch yesterday...I feel like I dont deserve it. I feel like I dont deserve Nick. He is such a wonderful person, and here I am just...not being cool. I feel so bad too. You know of course I'll have my bad mood days and whatnot, and thats okay. But I have been like this for...a week and a half, and its ridiculous. Okay, so I promise myself to stop right this very second, and act like my fucking self again.
HERE I AM WORLD!
Hahaha.
Kori is going dancing and she invited me. I need this time right here though. I need to be by myself for a couple hours. I was sad that nick went home instead of stayed the night (I love love love sleeping with him, and he has for like the past 2 weeks straight, its niiiiiiice!), I was sad, but now I'm happy. I mean, its good for me. I need to realize a few things and get my shit together. Tomorrow shall be the day, or today, if you want to be technical. I love my new watch! I love Kori's new watch too!
So, I think I want to gush about Nick...I need to get it out. Hahaha, Everything Kori and I are alone, I'm like "God, I love him..." hahaha. Silly me. I'm afraid of putting too much emotion into this relationship. But what is my life if I dont take chances? if I dont give my all? Kori said that life is about falling in love. So I am going to live life right now, and give my all, and get hurt. I try to live my life without regret, and I only have one regret so far. That was not telling Nick (Schroeder) that I loved him, that I cared for him, that he changed my life so much. It'll be a year saturday. How sad. I will have to go to MT. Taber or something and say a prayer of some sort. I miss him. I mean, I didnt know him that well, but he was a good person. He taught Kori a lot. And he taught me a lot in just the way he carried himself and his thoughtfulness of others.
Sometimes I worry. There really is no point to worrying...I just took one of my birth control pills, because I decided "Fuck this, I am not waiting until sunday," so I took one. It really really doesnt matter what day I take them, I was just being stupid.
I'm stupid a lot. Like the other day a fly was buzzing around Nick's car and it was really starting to bother me, and the damn thing I already bit me, so it wasnt a fly, and the damn thing landed on my leg and I hit my leg, trying to hit the bug, thinking it wouldnt fly away, so I aimed hard, and....it flew away and I hit my leg really hard. I felt realy stupid after that. And I always say stupid stuff to Nick. And I'm just joking. Today, boy, was he ever in a mood. I think he was joking, but I wasn't sure...so, since I'm stupid, I took everything he said to heart. God, I make myself mad, and I make him mad too! Hahaha, sometimes he gives me this look, like he's serious, like he doesnt like me, like I'm an idiot for saying whatever I had just said. I don't like the look, but...I realized that I do the same thing, give weird looks like that. And he doesnt know he gives this look, everyone gives looks like it. It's just my inside self being stupid....OVER analyzing everything in this world. Maybe I really should become a pyschologiest. I analyze people too much. I was thinking about that, for my career path. I would definetly be a psychologiest for kids, and not just normal kids. Kids with problems, I mean like they have a disease, or they were abused. Something like that. Hahaha, okay so never mind because I'm just crazy. I mean, all my thoughts are confusing to everyone else.
I had a weird dream last night. I didn't remember it until like 15 minutes ago, I was just typing something and I got a flash of it in my mind. I remember the world was ending. Which is weird. In all the dreams I have, either the world is ending, or I'm getting chased by some exotic animal. I wonder what that means...maybe I shall do some reserach about that when I am done updating. I can't remember any of the details about my dream. I remember not being scared of dying though. You know whats really weird! Is that I found myself never scared of shit when I am with Nick. I am never scared. We went to Orchards park the other night at like midnight or 1 am or sometime....and Kori was really scared, and wasn't at all. I was as clam as a lizard. (yeah, because lizards are really calm, right? hahaha). We went camping this past weekend, and I wasnt scared. Whenever Nick talks about ghosts and shit like that, I'm not scared. Except for I was in the tent by myself, and Kori and Nick were in the car talking, and I got scared shitless. I am so scared of ghosts...Well, I'm just scared of being by myself the first time I see one. I dont know what I'd do. Pee my pants, I am sure of it. Hahahah...I am so comfortable with Nick. It's strange. I feel at home. I think our problem is that we've both kind of stepped back from our reltionship, held back or something, since Idaho. Well, I am going to give it my all once again. Stupid me, started to hold back again. It's hard though. I mean all I think are these bad thoughts. I feel bad. I mean, I know half the things I think are stupid, and not true. It makes me mad. So, I think I need to cool it with my brain, and be fair to Nick and just give him everything. Hahaha, I'm not sure if he'd want everything. Both him and I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well, I'm not sure about him, but it sure does seem like it. When I first met him, I thought he was always loud and whatnot, but he isn't. I like that, he's loud but quiet all at once. When Kori and I first met him, and he would be quiet, we thought something was wrong with him. But no...he's just thinking, day-dreaming, off in his own world, and thats him. Never mind, I can't explain it. I have one picture of Nick. I used to sleep with it under my pillow, because then I could just grab it any old time I wanted..but then he started to sleep over at my house...hahha. The picture under my pillow had to go away very quickly, I didnt want him to know! How crazy of a person he must think I am, or would be! Hahaha. He is so cute! You know even Nick has changed my life some... I havent known him for that long. But he has his shit together. I mean...he might be a little confused right now. But he sure does have the right...look at life. Well, at least I think so. I could never begin to explain why I think this...I just do. You met some people and they just seem...selfish. Nick is selfless.....and I'm not making any sense never mind. I am so tired, and I dont even know why!
Last night I was scared that Nick was going to leave while I was sleeping. In my weird ass dream my hand itched really bad, and I remember waking up because my hand actually itched. Well I look over, and Nick is gone. Man, that made me soo mad. I thought he was gone, but I got up and went to the kitchen, and he was just getting a drink. How funny...the one time I wake up in the middle of the night, having the fear of him leaving, he's not in bed. Hahaha. I have to laugh about it now, but I was mad when it happened. I went to bed, and I just hugged to death out of him. He was very cuddly when we went back to bed...strange.
I have these urges to tell him I love him. I still havent yet, to his face, to his eyes. I dont know why I'm waiting, or what I'm waiting for. I'm just scared...there is no reason for me to be either. I should just let it out. I have been keeping it in for an awfully long time. I remember, not long after we started to date, he asked me how I felt about him, and I just about blurted out "I love you". I didnt though..I just said something stupid like "Oh I like you a lot" Urgh. On m ceiling, above my bed, in glow-in-the-dark stars it says "I love you", its nice to have now....because I really do love someone, and he sleeps in my bed a lot. I remember when he first told me he loved me. We were talking about something else...something he thinks is bad, something I might not like him for. The poor guy thought I wouldnt like him anymore. The weird thing about it though, it makes me love him more. I was crying, and he told me he loved me. I wanted to tell him back...I've wanted to tell him for so long. I cant get it out though. I'm afriad of rejection, I guess. I'm afraid of me telling him, and then him saying he hated me or something. But, why would he say that? I mean, he doesnt hate me! Whew, atleast I know that. And it may seem a little soon for him and me to be saying I love you. But FUCK YOU WORLD! How can you put a time on love? I dont understand....me and this love. Can you believe this? No I cannot....I am still in a dream. You know what is funny. I have felt my love for Nick for awhile but never said it out loud, not even to myself. Well, when we got back from Idaho, I was sitting in my room, by myself going N-I-C-K I L-O-V-E Y-O-U. You know spelling it out to myself. Hahaha. I am such a dork! Look at me! Look at what Nick has done to me! I am such a dweeb! Hahha....no no no, Nick didn't do that, I have always been a dweeb. Kori and I spell out his name a lot...I mean we'll be talking to him, and spell it out. God we are freaks.
You know I just wish the best for Nick. He is trying out to be a reserve deputy for the clark county sheriffs department. His oral board is on tuesday, and the poor guy is very worried about it. I just want to shake him to pieces so he isnt worried anymore. I saw today what he had to memorize by tuesday, and it is a lot. But sheesh, he can sing all these songs by heart! And he has like the best memory in the world! Its crazy! Hahaha....well, I think he'll do great. I think he's really going to go all the way with this deputy thing. It'll make me so happy and proud if he does, and he will. But, he's worried right now. Right now there are 12 people trying out for this thing, and only 7 will pass this next round. Nick is worried he won't be in the 7. He's rocked the world on all these past tests. He's so smart though, I think he'll pass this next thing will flying colors. I just want to hug him and make him no longer worry....
I dont know how to make him feel better. All I do is rub his back, and he told me its his favorite thing, and I love rubbing his back. I mean, I hope it makes him feel better....atleast a little. I hope I make him feel better. I dont know how though. Its difficult. I want everything to be perfect in our relationship...and ahahaha, its far from perfet. I have messed up so many times. The whole Kori thing, god damn. I couldnt just stop thinking about that, could I? No, I had to be really stupid. Nick....god. How can I be with such a great person? When we talk, I mean serious talking, he makes me feel so much better with whatever I am worrying about. I dont know how to explain it.....he is good with words I guess.
Okay, okay enough about him, right!? Hahaha....Man, I am just dead tired right now. I want to wait up for Kori, but I dont think I will be able to do such a thing.
I had a huge urge to call Nick and tell him I loved him. He has been in a bad mood all day. Yikes...but I wanted to call him, and tell him that. I didnt know if he'd be annoyed or mad though, or happy. I decided that this can wait until I see him tomorrow. I want to give him his space, and personal alone time. I dont need to bother him or him sleeping. I can wait. and I will.
This is strange.
Maybe I will watch the rest of Harriet the Spy...or maybe I'll watch Armageddon, or Little Women. I really feel like watching a disney cartoon, but...I dont own any. I want to watch The Little Mermaid. Next time I see my dad I'll borrow it. Hmmm..
I think I am done babbling my little head off.
Goodnight all.
I feel a lot better.


PS MS. KATIE DUPRE, THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUOTE!

Say the Words----DC Talk
Silence is golden but these are the words
That the world needs to hear
[brothers and sisters]
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near
But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?


(chorus)
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"
Say the words I long to hear
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it


Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
[brothers and sisters]
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal
I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what we're feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if we're willing, so...


(repeat chorus)


Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it
[check this out]
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70's the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We can't allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there ain't no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"


(repeat chorus)


Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"
Won't you say the words
Say the words
Say the words "I love you"
[You've got to say it]
Say the words
Say the words
Say them over and over
[Yeah, you've got to say it, say it]
Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"

Shoot people, it still feels like a dream.

Yikes, I am sure my last enrty sounded bad. I mean the whole 'he makes me happy' line. It might have sounded like he is the only one who makes me happy. But no, rest asure, he is not.
Let me explain. Myself breaking up with Brady really helped. I was not happy with him, and needed to get away. Then me cutting my hair, I miss my hair, and this will sound strange. I needed a change. Me breaking up with Brady was a good change, but I needed something physical, ya know? When Coralie was here she told Katie that Kori and I bring her down. Katie told me that I bring her down too. Those comments really hurt, ya know? People no longer wanted to be around me just because of the way I acted. Well, for 2-3ish weeks I was just angry about those comments. (by the way this all happened in february-june). And I purposely acted that way around certain people. But I realized, I was the one who needed to change. I needed to show that I was happy, I needed to show I was excited about something. So for the rest of the school year I worked on myseldf. Granted, I do have my unhappy, bringing other people down moments, but that's life. I can't be perfect. So, onwards with my story. I am happy with me and my life and everything else. I am truely 100% happy. But my problem was that since I hated school, hated being there, I was letting it bring ME down, which in return brought other people down. I was dwelling on things that should have been let go, I was dwelling on things that brought me down, I was comparing myself to others ALOT. Well anyways, I tried my best to change. And by the time, I presented my senior project (okay, really my senior project was making myself happy, not yoga), I was really starting to show my happiness and just be myself, and not take things so seriously. Well, I felt like I had changed, I don't know if other people saw it, but I definetly changed (inside or out).
And then here comes Nick. Of course a boy interested in you is going to make you happy. I couldn't have been more crazily happy about this. He is a good person...not to say the other people I dated weren't good. But he is good for me. Anyways, we were both happy. Many will say that it's because its the beginning of our relationship, the "honeymoon stage" to many. Haha, well that happiness ended quickly. Well...kind of. He took Kori and I back to Idaho to meet his family. It was a lot of fun, and I had a lot of fun. But, I don't know what happened I started to act like my old-self again. I just pulled back, and was acting like I wasn't having fun. Well, Nick met me when I was showing emotion, so...he didn't like this side of me. Anyways, I have major issues with Kori. I feel like she is a better person, overall, then me. Like she has more to offer a guy then I do. Anyways, so I was struggling with that. I felt like Nick liked Kori more than me. And I am sure he did. But that's okay, and completely understandable. I was bringing Nick down...Well he told me I was rubbing off on him, and he didn't like it. Okay, so I needed to change once again. I really started to dwell on the bad things about me, and the good of Kori. I can't do that. We are two different people, why should I be jealous of her, and not the 10,000 other girls in Nicks life? (ya know, that's completely weird that I'm not jealous either, because normally I am a super super jealous person...). Okay, so first I needed to realize that I am a good person, that I do have things to offer to another person. Then I needed to realize that I am good for Nick. What makes me better for Nick than Kori? That sounds awful, but I needed to realize those things. Then I needed to fully trust Kori and Nick. Which I do...100% trust into them. So...it took my awhile. I talked to my mom about it, because really, she's the only one who could really kind-of understand. And I talked to Kori. My family is the best, and I love them to death. I never really knew how much they understood me until this past week. Both my mom and Kori helped me so much. Man......then And I talked to Nick (by the way, it's no good talking to a Mad-Nick, hehehhe). The poor guy though. I feel really bad for acting the way I have for the past week or so. But, not everything is going to be perfect. I needed to see myself again.
Sheesh what a stupid story.
All I want to do right now is gush about Nick. Hehehe...So my last entry might have sounded like Nick is the only one that is making me happy right now. But I was happy awhile before I met Nick. Anyways, the "honeymoon stage" thing, I think was there, and then...I don't know. I'll have to see in a week or two. I'm back. I over analyze too much. Anyways, Nick's sister is getting married, and Kori likes one of his friends from Idaho, so I think we're going to go back there in August. And one of his sister-in-laws told me she hopes to see me again. I thought it was nice. I hope his family likes me...I enjoyed meeting them all (he has 7 brothers and sisters). He has the cutest nieces and nephews. Hahaha, when Nick and I first hung out together he was telling me about them, and telling me they were the cutest little kids in the world. And you know people, they always think they have the cutest, and I was just sitting there thinking, well they probably are cute, but not the cutest ya know? But...dude no, they ARE the CUTEST little people in the whole entire world!
Yuck, I need to take a shower.
Laura, we should do something together!
Katy, we should do something together!
Katie R. we should do something together!




"You enter my life like a new season and stand between me and the old sorrows." -Steve Sanfield


Kori and I still havent gotten our grades yet! What is this?!

God damn I am so in love with Nick....I wish I wouldn't be so scared sometimes. This past week has been...none too pretty for him. I feel bad. It makes me cry, I make myself cry over nothing. And, then I just ruin things. But, things got better, I don't know how or why. Maybe because I told myself that I am just going to let go. Kori told me last night that life is about taking risks and falling in love. AND I AM SO IN LOVE. I can't believe I am saying this...but it's true.

I cry because I am happy.

So I let go today. And it felt great.
We went camping last night. We hiked. We went to this waterfall and it was beautiful. Anyways, I wanted to climb up to the top. Kori was about half-way there and Nick already had climbed to the top because he's part monkey. Hahaha. I wanted to go to the top, but I am such a wuss sometimes. BUT I MADE IT! I was so happy....I could've bursted with joy 5,000 times!
After that I told myself I could accomplish anything...it wasn't even that hard of a climb either. Afterwards Nick said he didn't think I could do it, WOW Did I prove him wrong! It felt nice. Ha, that sounds mean, but...I think I wanted to prove something to him. Yeah, that still sounds bad.
Anyways, after I had climbed up it, I knew I had to be brave with my relationship with Nick. It's not fair to him for me to be afraid. What am I afraid of anyways? There is no reason for me to be scared...So I am no longer going to hold back, no longer going to dwell on bad, no longer be scared, no longer hide, no longer be sad. I love Nick. God, he makes me happy.

Beautiful but full of melancholy
attractive
very empathic
loves anything beautiful and tasteful
loves to travel
dreamer
restless
capricious
honest
can be influenced but is not easy to live with
demanding
good intuition
suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner









Lalalalalala........I could sing of happiness.

You know there is no getting used to this feeling...
Let's see...
I want to cry right now....cry of happiness? sadness? aloneness?
Right now I'm scared...just scared that something will happen...That I might miss out on the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I need to learn how to relax and not worry. Not worry that anything is going to happen...and not worry that I won't get hurt, and not worry about being something I'm not.
Graduation is tomorrow and I feel so young. I've come all the way, and I feel like it's for nothing. I have no idea who is going to pay for my college...I think my dad?
But anyways, I wasn't talking about that. There are so many things I want to spill out..but I am keeping this one for myself. The little things I am going to keep to myself. I have become a secretive person, in a sense, I like it. I don't think everyone needs to know about me, and some other things.
I want to cry and smile at the same time. What is this!? I can just look in..."awe"? I don't know what the word is...sometimes this, sometimes that. I don't want it to be the same thing...I want this to be different! (It is! It is!)
I just can't get used to this...I'm so scared though...tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow will be great....EXCEPT when I have to leave to go to the senior par-tay. I have no inspiration to go now...I just wanna...

I'm so happy....
smiles

When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.
-William Arthur Ward